Kathryn

This is my friend Kathryn who got married 8 days ago! Her wedding was on the last day of my first cycle so you can imagine how excited I was when I realized I would be able to attend her wedding. I love this girl; not only is she stunningly beautiful on the outside but she has a heart of gold, a faith of a champ, and a personality that makes you feel brilliant & beautiful. She also promised to come and visit me soon so I decided to currently write that on my blog so that people will read it and she can't back out of it!

The first time I met Kathryn was when she came to my house for bible study two years ago. At the time we had a small group of 8 people and the other 7 of us had been together for a couple of weeks. We were still in my living room at the time (my family has since built a sunroom and we've moved into there) so there weren't enough seats for all of us and because Kathryn was new she got lost on the way and was sitting on the floor beside me. I don't remember at all what our conversations and study were about although I'm sure they were awkward and forced considering none of us knew each other very well at the time but towards the end of the night a giant spider crawled out from underneath one of the couches towards Kathryn and I and she screamed so loud I think I jumped a foot in the air. I then reached for the book we were studying at the time, screamed again, and squashed the fuzzy bug right beside her. When I looked up she had the worst face of disgust on her and I thought to myself, "she's never coming back". Lord behold, she came back every week for two years and that ugly spider was just the beginning of a beautiful friendship. She's now moved back to Vancouver to begin her life with her perfect-pair Joseph but I'm certain more beautiful things will continue to come from both of them in the years to come.



 

I've always believed this statement. Within the past few years I even started loving birthdays because I started to believe that no matter what happened the year before, there were better things to come. It was easier to believe this statement before I got diagnosed with cancer but I am still choosing to believe it every day.
This past week has been an especially difficult one. My second cycle of chemo was on Monday and it went much better than my first cycle but I still felt emotionally and spiritually beat down. I felt tired but unable to sleep, anxious but unable to rest; and although I had the best visitors in the world and most wonderful friends surrounding me it was still hard to hold onto the hope that there were good things yet to come. It was especially difficult to try to see anywhere in the future where I might start to feel normal again. I still don't feel normal, and I still don't know if there's any 'fix' for the times when it all just feels like too much. The only thing I've really notice works is to just keep moving forward: I'll run, I'll walk, I'll crawl, I'll claw with my fingernails, I'll hitch a ride... I feel as though there's nothing I can do to fix my piece of junk situation other than walking through it (even when I don't feel like walking through it anymore)
Although my thoughts today seem pessimistic and void of hope I do believe that one day I will look back on this time and realize the things I've learned -- none of which I can share with you now because I'm blinded by my circumstance, but something I can share with you in the future.

diy: indoor herb garden

My first hobby is revealed today... An indoor herb garden! If you would like to do your own indoor herb garden here are the steps I took to create mine.
1. buy ghetto plastic plant pots, seeds of your preference, soil, and cheap cloth
2. decorate ghetto pots with cheap cloth using mod podge to glue the cloth to the plastic (works like a charm)
3. once the pots are dry put a few folded pieces of paper at the bottom of the pot and fill 3/4 of the way up the pot with a nutritious potting soil
4. place seeds in pot, cover with further soil, water, & label with appropriate labels (mine read: basil, oregano, and cilantro)
5. place in sunny or shady room depending on which seeds you've chosen

Make sure to water daily and watch them grow!!

Today's inspiration came from Galatians 6:9 "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up". Lately on my journey to recovery I've felt compelled to give up doing good -- feeling as though there is no point to the good work I try to bring to the table. But no matter what situation you are in, no matter how hard pressed you may feel, remember that it is completely possibly that the reason why you feel as though the weight of the world is on your shoulders and there is nothing to show for your work is because you are in a season of cultivation, not reaping. I hope this is reminder to at least one other person that one day we will reap, but first we must cultivate.

xo BG

positive notes

I woke up feeling a lot better than expected today. Three weeks ago today, after my first chemo session, I was hooked up to an IV all day having liquids and anti-nauseau medication pumped into me after a long morning of keeping nothing down and a night of feeling yucky and upside-down. So, I must admit I was surprised when I woke up today and felt about as human as I can get.
I even started my first diy project today of starting my own fancy herb garden (pictures and instructions to follow if it works out) and created my own

DIY: yummy yummy hydrating energy drink
1 part ginger ale (shake it up and take out the gas so that your tummy won't hurt later
1 part fruit punch gatorade - for electrolytes
1 part orange juice - just to mix things up!

this has been good for me to drink after chemo because I don't have much of an appetite so just having plain water doesn't cut it for me. It's even better when it's cold because the fruity coldness makes me feel nice. Even if you're not in the middle of chemo, try it out you might like it as a cool summer drink :)

Here is my sister, nephew, and brother-in-law while they were in town. My favorite picture is the one of my sisters and my nephew Nathan with the woolly mammoth. He saw it and yelled, "big fat chicken"! All the three of us could do was laugh

I have chemo again right now as I write to you and so far it's going better than the last time. My body feels weird and martian-like again a bit but the nurses have been nice and my friends are coming to visit me today. Please keep me in your prayers this week as I noticed last time that it always gets worse before it gets better...

My devotional today said:
I AM GOD WHO HEALS. I heal broken bodies, broken minds, broken hearts, broken lives, and broken relationships...you cannot live close to Me without experiencing some degree of healing... But there is more -- much more -- available to those who ask"

Such good stuff from Sarah young's devotional 'Jesus Calling'. So for this week I ask you to pray and ask for me and my healing, specially on the days when I feel like I just don't have the strength to do so anymore, but I also ask for you to ask for healing in your life -- whatever that may be. 

I haven't written in a while...

I haven't written in a few days so I thought I'd catch you guys up on my life! 

This is the first week I have actually started to feel like a human again. Not a full human and not a functioning human but like a human that's walking around with a bunch of martians on Mars -- they know they're alive but the world feels a little odd in comparison to everyone else around them. 
However, my aunt is in town from Uruguay and my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew are in town from Toronto so our house is full with the beautiful buzz of family. I can't imagine what it would be like to watch someone you love go through a difficult time but they have been wonderful and have brought so much joy to my heart just by being here. I'm very fond of and proud of who they are so stay tuned for pictures and stories... 

just a thought...

"There are two days on my calendar: this day & that day" -Martin Luther

Martin Luther was probably partially thinking about Matthew 6:34 ("Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own") when he said this quote, and how much more correct could he be. As I fight my fight against cancer, this is the first time I've been learning not to worry about things, in the past I've usually allowed myself to worry about things with the excuse that I would one day learn to let them go -- maybe after I would have gained further control of these things, which would never have happened. However, God had different plans (as he usually does in comparison to mine). I am now beginning to learn what it means to not worry.
I wanted to share Martin Luther's quote with all of you because it has helped me gain some perspective in my life. There really are only two days that matter. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow will worry about it self. Therefore, there is this day, today -- what will you do with it? and that day, the most important day, the day in the unforeseeable future when you will come face to face with your maker -- how will you prepare for it? And although I believe that that day is the most important, it is this day that matters most; because it is this day that will mend things from yesterday, create things for tomorrow, and prepare things for that day.

friends :)

"Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" 
Galatians 6:2

Now that I'm having better days I think it's important for me to talk about the days that were dark and difficult. I honestly don't remember what I physically felt at those moments both before and after chemo, but I remember the thoughts that went through my mind as I lay huddled up on my couch wishing for the day to be over. 

I don't know if you're going through anything in your life right now but if you are, I want to encourage you to reach out to your family, friends, and community for help. The day I got my first x-ray and heard the words "possibly cancer" for the first time I was shocked, confused, and saddened. I never felt angry or betrayed by God in anyway, I just felt sad. After getting home I didn't know who to tell or what to do or how to feel. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want anyone to worry about me but all I could think about was how it was Monday afternoon and I was suppose to be at staff meeting the next morning. I originally decided I wouldn't tell anyone until Friday because I would have tests all week and I wouldn't know what was even wrong with me until the end of the week. However, after arguing with myself I convinced myself to tell Pastor Andy because I wanted him to know why I wouldn't be able to be at the meeting the next morning -- in actuality I know I really just needed his support. I'm so glad I decided to tell him because the first day (we're still on Monday) he prayed for me, encouraged me, and told Lisa (which broadened my support system even further); the second day he convinced me that we should tell Pastor Evan and Pastor Don, who also told their wives Kendal and Helen (which broadened and encouraged me even more); and the third day Evan convinced me to start telling my friends so they also could be praying for me and encouraging me... which they did and which encouraged me even more! 

I'm quite a stubborn person when it comes to my plans so you can imagine the influence these people have in my life when they thwarted my plans of 0 people knowing till Friday to approximately 15 knowing by Wednesday. Still, they were right. If you're in the middle of a bad situation you don't have a good perspective of that situation. And when you surround yourself with good people those people can be everything for you that you can't be for yourself. When you're scared, they can be brave for you; when you're anxious, they can watch over you; when you lose your voice, they can sing for you; when you feel lost, they can find you; and when you find it impossible to see anything good in the future, they can believe for you.
I now have endless stories of friends who have sung to me over the phone because I didn't have the energy to sing myself; who have sat with me and read for hours just so I wouldn't be alone while I slept; who have made me laugh after I'd been crying for hours; who have bought me bangles and jewelry and scarves to make me feel beautiful when I thought I looked like potato; who have prayed for me when I have felt completely empty of hope, who have called me a mighty warrior when I felt like a tired slug, who have put dreams in my heart and hopes in my future and have exemplified Jesus in their ability to not only carry my burdens and be the light in a very dark tunnel. 

So, if you're going through something difficult, I know everything is telling you to become isolated and either protect yourself or protect the people around you but if it's telling you to protect yourself, you probably have a pride issue and if it's telling you to protect the people around you, you probably have an insecurity issue (this was mine). God created us to be in community with each other and help each other out. So believe me when I testify that it's life is better when it's together :)

Green brush vs. Green brush

I'm feeling more like myself today so thank you everyone for all of your prayers! 
Yesterday was a pretty good day too but I experienced one of the weirdest side effects chemotherapy can have. It's called "chemo brain" and ultimately it's just forgetfulness. Anyhoo -- this post is going to be short and sweet (like me hehehe). I had some friends over for dinner yesterday and we were talking about different stories and all sorts of fun things and sometimes my friends will tell me stories from earlier in the day or a couple days ago and I will have completely no idea what they're talking about but I'll just pretend I know what they're talking about when really I don't remember the events at all. Sometimes I get away with it but I'm awful at hiding things so usually half-way through the story my friends will realize that I don't remember what happened and then they'll fill me in with what I said or did and I must admit that I sound like I'd be a pretty funny person -- I think I'd want to be friends with myself if I weren't myself. 
Anyways, this exchange of stories and cover-ups was happening last during dinner and it was a fun meal but after dinner I decided to brush my teeth! So, I went to the washroom and I looked at the two tooth-brushes in their holders, one turquoise and one lime green, and I couldn't for my life remember which one was mine. I figured I had a 50/50 chance of getting it right so I picked up the lime green one and humbly walked to the kitchen to ask my sister, in front of all my friends, if the brush in my hand was mine. There wasn't really anything to do about the situation but either cry or laugh, thankfully we laughed... and then I went and brushed my teeth with the lime green toothbrush :)

I need your advice today!

I got a very encouraging email from a friend today who beat breast cancer 10 years ago (almost to the day). She's a wonderful woman of God and she said two things that I wanted to share with you!

The first thing she said to me that struck me the most was to take the journey one step at a time. It sounds cliche when I put it in my own words but in all honesty some days have been bearable on the journey but other days make me feel like throwing in the towel, crawling under my covers, and waiting for Jesus to come back. The towel-cover-waiting days usually come with a mountain of rational and irrational questions that leave me feeling deflated and anxious like - is the chemo really working? did I check my temperature recently enough? how am I going to continue my masters? how come there's no family history of cancer in my life? what if I have to cancel my physio appointment for tuesday? what if they take blood from me again and it hurts? etc.etc.etc.
In reality, there are 3 types of questions I'm asking myself: 
(1) rational questions that I am unable to answer (like, do I have to cancel my physio appointment or is the chemo working?) yet because they're in the future or some different reason (like I will never know)
(2) irrational questions (like, howcome there's no family history of cancer in my life?) that I have to daily (or hourly... or minutely) give to God because there is no point in worrying about these things EVER! especially if they are irrational.
(3) rational questions (like, did I check my temperature?) which are easy to answer because I can just go ahead and check my temperature!

Furthermore, of these 3 questions I'm asking myself I should only focus on the 3rd one. These are the questions that will help me take this journey one step at a time. Worrying about the future treatments or potential hospital trips is useless, the bible even says "do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." This verse was so much easier to read when I had less things to be anxious about about -- it's harder to read now but more meaningful at the same time -- and it will be easier to remember if I only allow myself to ask the questions from the 3rd category, and dismiss the questions from the other 2.

That was a big jumble of thoughts clumped together and I hope it made sense as you read along but if you've made it this far this is where I NEED YOU and the reason why I need you is because I NEED YOUR ADVICE!
The second thing my friend suggested was indulging in a hobby, when she went through her treatment she learnt to quilt, and another friend of hers learnt to paint, I need your help to find a hobby! I really wanted my hobby to be cooking or baking but the smell of certain foods makes me feel nauseous and I have an increased dosage of blood thinners so I'm scared of chopping things up. Still, pleeeeeease feel free to suggest absolutely anything you think would be a great hobby to have that is low impact, relatively safe, and doesn't involve smelling food. The worst thing that could happen to your suggestion is that I say no -- and that's nothing worth worrying about ;)

A day in the life post chemo...

Today was a pretty mediocre day considering. The best part of my day is probably around 5pm but I won't be able to explain that properly without explaining the rest of my day accurately.

I usually wake up around 8am (not because I want to but because I'm not very good at sleeping lately) I then start my day with an anti-nausea medication the size of a tiny, orange, pancaked watermelon seed. The day gets a little better from there because I get to drink a Yop! but I have to make sure to have my predisone medication (one & 1/2 tablets) which taste like bitter tylenol and don't go down easy after having had them for a couple weeks. They also make me feel like I've had 3 cups of coffee so they leave me anxious for the rest of the morning and sometimes into the afternoon. Yet, even after that pill I feel a little accomplished because then I get to keep eating -- and if you know anything about me it's that I love food :) Sometimes I'll eat a piece of toast without anything on it or sometimes I'll have oatmeal but once I finish eating I have my final pill of the morning, allopurinol. Allopurinol helps me because it helps stop the build up of uric acid in my body, which is just a fancy way of saying it helps my body flush out the chunks of tumour that have been killed off and detached from my thymus. 

For the rest of the day I mainly lie around feeling tired but being unable to sleep and I'm usually uncomfortably hot, anxious (from the predisone), and hungry but don't crave anything in particular. It's quite frustrating at times but somehow I get to 3pm.

At 3pm my friend Larissa always comes over with funny stories and a beautiful smile on her face. Larissa is training to be a nurse and I know in my heart she's going to be the most caring nurse I've ever met in my life and I know she'll bring hope and light to people when they are in their darkest moments. However, Larissa brings me my daily shot of Fragmin, which is a blood thinner. It's the smallest shot in the world and if I were braver I would give it to myself but I've given up on this for right now and come to the conclusion that if I let my friend Larissa give me the shot it's a win-win situation: she gets to practice giving people shots and I get my daily shot!!! 
Fragmin really doesn't even hurt that bad. The needle doesn't hurt at all actually if it's done properly (which it is because Larissa is fabulous), but when the liquid gets injected it stings with a burning sensation! 
After all my pills and shots are done for the day it's still too hot outside for it to be an enjoyable day but when 5pm rolls around and my house starts to cool down it's easy to just lie back on my couch and thank God that there's nothing to think about for the rest of the day other than how good He's been to get me through. 
....I also get to eat dinner shortly after that, which is another thing I thank God for every single day.

Over the past few weeks I've gotten stuck on a couple psalms that have stood out above the rest. When I read psalm 20 it's as if it was written for me thousands of years ago. I know that's not true but when I add my brackets and interpretation over my own life you'll have a better understanding of how magnificently timeless I believe our God to be.

Psalm 20
1 May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
    may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
(hopefully this part is obvious -- that I am in distress and hoping for God to protect me)

2 May he send you help from the sanctuary
    and grant you support from Zion.
3 May he remember all your sacrifices
    and accept your burnt offerings.
(before my diagnosis I started promising to live in greater obedience to God. In doing this I sacrificed my youth ministry and children's ministry work to open more doors with my university ministry. I didn't burn any of my offerings but they where nonetheless a sacrifice from the heart) 

4 May he give you the desire of your heart
    and make all your plans succeed.
(I just love this verse)

5 May we shout for joy over your victory
    and lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the Lord grant all your requests.
(not a lot of people know this about me but my name, "Berenice" was given to me by my mother not because of the way it sounded but because of it's meaning, which is "victory". Growing up I always felt empowered by my name because whenever I set my mind to something I would be able to accomplish it. After becoming a Christian at 16 I realized that my name wasn't just a symbol for my own personal victories but for the victory which Jesus has had over my life and would continue to have over my life in the years to come. I also learned that whichever victory I could accomplish on my own would be minuscule in comparison to the victories and triumphs he was calling me to. Of course we will shout for joy when this victory is complete, but our banners won't say my name or my doctor's names, they will be banners lifting up the name of God.)

6 Now this I know:
    The Lord gives victory to his anointed.
He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary
    with the victorious power of his right hand.
(again, it's God who is the mighty victor)

7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
    but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
8 They are brought to their knees and fall,
    but we rise up and stand firm.
(this is specially significant to me right now because I can't actually be brought to my knees without being in a great deal of pain due to my recent knee surgery, it also means I can't stand firm for long periods of time because of the lack of strength in my quads and hamstrings. Once again, while others fall, while we rise and stand firm, our strength doesn't even come from our own well being but from the grace of God.)

9 Lord, give victory to the king!
    Answer us when we call!.
(amen)

August 2nd -- catching everyone up

Dear friends,
If you're reading this it's because you have heard that I've started a blog about my recent health issues. Please bear with my writing as I haven't written a paper in over 6 months but I promise the more I write in this blog the better my writing habits will become.

Because this journey started a few weeks ago I've decided to summarize it into two parts (pre and post diagnosis)

Pre-diagnosis started months ago when I got an annoying cough with no other symptoms. After going to the doctor a few times and being told it was just a virus that would eventually go away I decided to just start ignoring it. However, on June 13th I had to get knee surgery for my ACL which I had torn the previous summer. Once again I went to the doctor and asked about the cough and once again I was told it was just a virus and there was nothing in my lungs. I went on with the knee surgery (which is a complete other story full of pain) and just began to wait for my body to recover. 
A week after my surgery my mom once again forced me to go to the walk-in clinic for my cough and I was prescribed an inhaler and if it didn't help my cough in 3-4 days then I was also given a prescription for an x-ray. 
On the 4th day I didn't really mind my cough anymore but because I had to go to see my surgeon anyways I decided I may as well get the x-ray...
After the x-ray they found that I had some irregularities between my lungs and within a few weeks I also received...
blood tests (x3)
CT scan
muga/stress test
ECG scan (x2)
echocardiogram
bone marrow biopsy (ouchie!)
tumour biopsy 

After the tumour biopsy I was diagnosed with non-hodgkin's lymphoma and  was then referred to the BC Cancer Agency.

Now we're into post-diagnosis
Skipping forward a week I started my chemotherapy treatment this past Monday and that was not a fun day. While I was getting treatment I was okay but a few hours after I got a big dose of nausea that lasted throughout the night and into the morning. By the time I got back to the agency for my second day of treatment I was too dehydrated to be treated so I spent 8 hours on an IV drip getting pumped with anti-nausea medication, potassium, and sodium. I felt a bit better after that but I also felt a little yucky. My treatment was then postponed to Wednesday so that I would have a little time to get better.
All I can say is TGI-Thursday. The past couple days had been rough but God was pretty amazing the whole way through.
Tuesday was by far the worst day but when a lady came to do my blood work I recognized her from Glad Tidings, and she recognized me as well. God must have sent her himself because he knew I was in dire need of an angel. She took my blood without causing any pain or discomfort and then said a small prayer for me and my mom that filled the room with God's presence and peace. I've had moments like this almost every day throughout my journey but this has by far been the most moving one God is just so good in the way he cares for his children.