finally done my class!

If you can't tell from the title of this post I'm finally done my class! If you didn't know, I was taking New Testament Foundations and it pretty much consisted of reading the New Testament, reading two text books on the New Testament, learning about each book in the New Testament, and writing about one of the books of the New Testament. I was actually incredibly excited for this class when I signed up for it but that was 13 months ago when I did that and a lot changed shortly after. Since then I have had a lot on my plate with physical issues and after finishing my treatment in December I continued to struggle with something I like to call "below average brain function". This pretty much entails bad memory, slow to recall words, having a short attention span, being unable to focus for long periods of time, and having a bad memory. With all of that said, finishing this class was a pretty exciting accomplishment! 

However I need to backtrack a little bit. A few months before the class was finished I decided I was going to take a break from school once finishing the class. I realized it would be silly of me to try to start another class while having a brain that is not at its best ability to retain large amounts of information in a set amount of time. Therefore... this is the year... this is the first year in the last 20 years that I won't be in school. 
This is the year that I can stay up late watching movies with friends because I don't have to go home and study! 
This is the year I can continue going to the gym in October, December, February, and April because I don't have to become a hermit to survive midterms and finals! 
This is the year that I can pursue the hobbies I never pursued, save up money to travel to the places that I never travelled and proofread all the papers for friends I was never able to proofread before (nerd alert). 
It's also the year I can finish all the books I've bought over the last however-many years and was never able to finish!! 
This is the year!!!! 
And although I don't know what it holds, I know it will be a good one. Why?
Because this is the year.

Hebrews question...

Today's devo/question comes from the book of Hebrews. I'm trying to finish up a New Testament class right now and tonight I was studying a little bit from the book of Hebrews. "Hebrews" was written to Greek-influenced Jewish Christians who were believed to have been living in Rome. These Jewish Christians were experiencing extreme persecution for their faith and were debating whether or not it would be a good idea to continue on with their Christianity when it could potentially lead to their decease. 

In the midst of their struggle, the author of Hebrews wrote to them:

³⁵ do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.³⁶ You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised... ³⁹ But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.  

Hebrews 10:35-36 & 39

After struggling through my review questions I finally got to the reflection questions. The first question seemed easy enough to answer but the second stirred something inside of me. It read "Would you continue to observe your faith if you knew that you would be executed for it tomorrow?" What a difficult question. I couldn't even begin to comprehend what being in that situation would feel like. Still, large amounts of believers are living under these situations even to this day. Some live in countries where they could be cast out, persecuted, or even killed for their faith. 

Therefore, because our global brothers and sister in Christ are having to ask themselves this question, possibly on a daily basis, I encourage you to ponder this very same question in your own life... Would you continue to observe your faith if you knew that you would be executed for it tomorrow?

If you need some encouragement to start I've put my answer below... 

I think it would be much harder to continue to hold my faith under those circumstances. I also think that while holding my faith I would continue to have an internal struggle with myself where half of me would be focused on self-preservation while the other half would be focused on eternal-self-preservation. I wish it could come down to my love of God (instead of love of my life) but the life/death situations I have found myself in have caused me to realize that, oddly, our flesh sometimes runs deeper than our hearts. In those same life/death situations, however, I’ve come to the realization that if you’re not continuing with God then there’s really no point to continue at all. 

Vegetarian Mexi-Lasagna Recipe

Saturday night is my night to cook at home (it's not the only day I cook it's just the day that I must cook). This Saturday I decided to make a Vegetarian Mexi-Lasagna which was inspired by my friend, Grim, who made me an amazing Mexican Lasagna a few months ago. She's quite the amazing chef so this recipe is almost as good as hers. But I promise it's still good and it goes deliciously on either a summer, fall, or winter night. It's also very easy to make and takes almost no time at all!

There are 6 main steps to this recipe which I've outlined below!

1. Set your oven to 375˚F and get all of your ingredients together:

• 3 big kale leaves 
• a handful of spinach
• 1 1/2 peppers (I chose red)
• 1 small onion (I did half a red onion & half a yellow onion)
• 2 cloves of garlic
• 1 can of black beans
• 1 can of corn
• handful of cilantro
• pepper & salt
• 1 small can of tomato paste & same amount of water
• olive oil
• tortillas
• grated cheese! As much or as little as you want! You can never have too much cheese!
• cayenne spice (optional)

2. Dice the onions & garlic and sauté them in some olive oil at the bottom of a pot on medium heat. Chop up the kale & spinach to small pieces as well about the size of half of your palm. Throw the kale & spinach on top of the sautéing onions & garlic and let the leaves shrink with the heat (5-10min). Throw in the tomato paste, water, salt, pepper, and any other spices you may want to add (i.e. cayenne) and let it stew for another 5-7min.

3. While the pot is stewing, thoroughly rinse the black beans and corn and then mix in a bowl with the chopped up peppers and cilantro. Once the items in the pot have let the flavours mix for the 5-7minutes, mix them in with the items in the bowl until they look like a delightful mexi-mix.

4. In any sized pan that you would like, line your pan with parchment paper (unless you don't have any in which case it will be fine) and then do a tortilla layer (1 tortilla thick), a mexi-mix  layer (enough so that you can't see the tortilla underneath), and a cheese layer (amount depends on what you prefer). Continue doing layers until you've used up all your mexi-mix in the bowl. Finish off your creation by covering it with cheese and then place it in the oven for 25 minutes (the longer you keep it in the oven, the crunchier the tortillas will be).

Sombrio roadies

This is the summer of roadtrips for me. I have vowed with a number of different people to travel the island throughout the summer in a number of different roadtrips and also even make a roadtrip down to Disneyland!

Last Saturday was the first of these exciting roadtrips; and the secret destination was to... Sombrio! I went with my beautiful friends Betsy, Morgan, and Emily. The three of us went to celebrate Betsy's birthday because BETSY IS THE BEST AND WE LOVE HER!!!! We started our journey by driving up the #14 highway until we finally hit Sombrio. Googlemaps told me it would be about 1h21min drive but it was almost a 2 hour drive, we didn't mind though because it was a lovely drive with lovely company. (Although be warned if you get motion sickness be sure to sit in the front!)

Upon arriving at Sombrio we walked through the wood-chip trail that looked like a scene out of Twilight and found ourselves on the rocky beach that is Sombrio. When scoping the different beaches online I had heard that there was a waterfall at Sombrio but every time I go to find one of these outdoor "tourist attractions" it seems as though you have to cross a mountain, river, and valley to get there. However, this is magically not the case with Sombrio! Also, Sombrio has not one but two waterfalls. The first waterfall easy enough to get to because it is a small walk up the beach and a small walk up a river. The other waterfall, however, is a slightly bigger walk up the beach, which really is not a big deal at all, and a half-mountain that you have to scale in order to see it. Still, it was worth it. If you don't believe me you can either check out my pictures or pump your car full of gas, call up some friends, and make the trip yourself -- I promise it's worth it!

Happy Mother's Day to my mother

It's Mother's Day today and this morning I found myself to the point of tears thinking about the mother figures I have in my life. I have been blessed with so many wonderful women that have cared for me, encouraged me, prayed for me, strengthened me, and help me get to where I am today.

The one person I want to celebrate and thank today, though, is my mother Cecilia. Words can't express how much my mother has sacrificed to help me become the person I am today. She did everything she could to make my sister, Selina, and my life experiences the best possible and even sacrificed things in her own life to ensure we would never have to sacrifice things in ours. She spent countless hours driving us to swimming lessons, skating, gymnastics, ballet, piano classes, volleyball practice, walking us to school, picking us up from friend's houses, and making us vegetable salads for dinner and fruit salads for breakfast. Honestly, she has made an immeasurable amount of salads in her life. 

My mother is also the person whose opinion seemed to matter most when I didn't believe I was able to accomplish something. If she told me I could do something -- I believed it.  However, she didn't stop with encouragement, she helped me to the point of financially and emotionally aiding me in going to Thailand with Adore, Mexico with Kendra, and in getting a university degree from UVic. All of these accomplishments I have in my life I should give credit to her for, because without her assistance I would have failed to pursue any of them. Then, this past year, she planned to take some time off so that she could look after me for a few weeks after my knee surgery; and ended up taking care of me for six months instead. 

She's been there for me in the best times of my life and has stuck by my side in the worst times in my life. For every person that has a difficulty understanding God's unconditional and sacrificial love I feel sorry for them because although she may not be perfect, my mother's love comes pretty darn close. So for the child I once was, for the girl I use to be, and for the young lady I am today: thank you.

my bed.

The other day I was in bed waiting to fall asleep when I started being so incredibly thankful for how wonderful, cozy, and comfy my bed is. "I love my bed," I thought to myself and then instantly thought of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (which if you don't know it from every wedding you've ever been to I've quoted it below)...

⁴ Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵ or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ⁶ it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I truly enjoy this passage because it states that love is an action and not a feeling. We can love different things very much without ever having feelings of love towards them. However, this passage is suppose to be a guideline to how we should treat people because it is an example of what true love is. (note: by "true love" I don't mean the Disney version like "true love's first kiss" but the God version because 1 John 4 teaches us that God = Love). Anyhoo, when thinking of this passage a few days ago I realized that I am better at loving my comfy bed than I am at loving people!

I find it difficult to be patient with people who test my patience, yet every time my bed is cold and I jump into it I patiently wait for it to warm-up without complaint. 

I am sometimes unkind to people who push my buttons, yet I would never call my bed names when I walk outside of my room or when talking with friends.

I do not boast to my bed, envy my bed, feel resentful towards my bed, or insist on having my way against my bed because I have no intention of comparing myself to my bed. 

After coming to these realizations I came to the conclusion that I am better at loving most of the inanimate objects in my life (i.e. my computer, my favourite sweater, my lamp, my running shoes, etc.) than I am at loving people! I know it's different circumstances because I got to choose and purchase the majority of the objects in my life: try them on, pick out my favourite colour, and wear them in so they feel just right. But how much more meaningful are people than things? Tom Haverford, from Parks and Recreation, says that "love fades away but things, things are forever." This is an awful but hilarious quote, but it proves my point quite perfectly. Love is what should be forever but if love is an action and my actions towards my inanimate objects are better than the actions I have towards the people around me then although I believe "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, [and] endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7) then I'm really just living as though the "things are forever."

Ironically, I am writing this from my bed. 

F(rig)MyLife: Valentine's Day Edition

I asked my girl friends to send in stories of funny boy/Valentine's day events throughout their lives and these lovely stories are the outcome... I've also highlighted my favourite parts of the stories and have found some valuable life-lessons in them. Once again they are anonymous!

Story #1: The good 

So this one time: A boy I liked mucho-lots and I were going on our first date. And it had been a long time coming so we were verver excited. We were all dressed up and set to take a romantic walk through a vineyard. However, by the time we drove out to the vineyard, I had to go to the bathroom REALLY BADLY and I didn't know what to do because there was nowhere to go and NO WAY I was going to bring it up. So I decided not to say anything and we started walking through the vineyard. A little ways into the walk our conversation was very limited and his mind seemed very preoccupied, so I asked what was up. He said, "I am super embarrassed to say this, but I really have to go to the bathroom." Bonus points for standing watch while the other goes pee in a vineyard? YUP. Most romantic date I've ever been on.

Story #2: The bad

It was Valentine's day and I was in grade 12… I had been “dating” this guy for about two or three week. No, “ seeing” this guy, No… Well to be quite frank I didn’t know what he was to me at the time. It was a really new relationship, and that being said, I didn’t think that Valentines Day would be a factor in it. I could not have been more wrong. 

On Valentine's Day about 10 of us decided that an evening BBQ would be the best way to celebrate the day and in true high school fashion- avoid doing homework… The BBQ would be hosted by the guy that I was “seeing”, or “dating”, or “whatever-you-want-to-call-it-ing”. We didn’t attend the same school, so I hadn’t seen him all day, I arrived at his house and he had a huge bouquet of beautiful roses and a purple (lavender scented) teddy bear for me, along with a card. In retrospect the card is my favorite part, on the front it said “To My Girlfriend Who I Love Very Much” Aahhhhhhhh. In the time it took to read a card I went from not having a relationship status to having a boyfriend who would actually put the word L.O.V.E on paper- after 3 weeks. Needless to say I was flattered. And Freaked out. I decided that he must have left it for the last minute and the store must have been all sold out of awkward relationship status free cards so I didn’t over think, it I just embraced the gifts and graciously thanked him. I say “graciously” because I haven’t mentioned yet that given our undetermined relationship I had failed to get him ANYTHING for Valentines. I didn’t even make him a card out of notebook paper. Well our friends soon arrived. I had my arms laden with gifts and quickly excused myself to the bathroom as everyone swapped stories of what they had received that day; just in time to not have to listen to my new “boyfriend” that “loved” me tell them that he had received a large amount of NOTHING. Cringe. Moral of the story: don’t make assumptions. Status or no status, be prepared with 

something you can pull out of your purse if he catches you off guard.

Story #3: The ugly

okay! here is a pitiful (wonderful) story of why boys suck!

Day 1 of my singleness started with a bright and early 8am breakup. There's really no better way to start your day! The next couple of hours are vague, but I do recall a lot of crying, puking, shopping, and chocolate-eating. Days passed and a pattern emerged: cry. puke. pray. sleep. cry. shop. chocolate. repeat. As you study the trend you'll notice that the only food ingested was of the chocolate variety... and there was A LOT of chocolate.

Fast forward to day 3. My first day as "the new me". What better way to jumpstart my new life than with a gym pass, I thought. The future was looking bright as I toddled up the stairs to my first fitness class, empty stomached (minus the chocolate) and light headed (due to the crying). Yet, I figured nothing could get in my way! However, a minute into the class things did get in my way: the TRX contraptions hanging from the ceiling, the boys on the volleyball court, the girls in the hallway, and the door to the washroom. All these things got in my way because 30 seconds into our cardio sprint I ran out of the fitness studio to go puke my guts out.

As I lay in the washroom with my arms clinging to the toilet for support, (my TRX instructor awkwardly rubbing my back), puking up all the chocolate inside of me.. I thought to myself, "this is rock bottom... I can never come back to this gym... and this is all HIS fault."

I'm glad to say I've now picked myself up off that dirty bathroom floor; I've regained my dignity at the gym; survived a breakup, a TRX class, and a diet of only chocolate; and I have also now proved once and for all that the term "love sick" is a valid condition but not a fatal one.

Story #4: The alone

Last Valentine's Day I was living in res at UVic and Valentine's day fell on a Saturday and I didn't have any plans so my friend in res told me I should go with her to the mainland because she was going to visit her family and her boyfriend. She assured me that she would only have breakfast with her boyfriend and spend the rest of the day with me so I agreed thinking it would be a fun weekend.
Off we went to Vancouver and when Saturday finally arrived she went out for breakfast with her boyfriend while I stayed at her house with her family and ate breakfast and did some homework. She came home a few hours later with flowers and chocolates that her boyfriend had given her and then informed me she was actually going to spend the rest of the day with him but she came back to drop me off the chocolates (that he had given her). So, I ended up spending Valentine's Day alone in a stranger's house eating chocolates that weren't even meant for me. But if you think about it, I did actually get chocolates indirectly from a boy...

Story #5: The end

And, last but not least, I wanted to share a message my friend sent me when I asked her to contribute to my blog post for today:

Yeah! My only actual Valentine was when I was 6 years old... It was great but who cares. I'm turning 21 & I'm still single and have no Valentine this year. That's my story lol. I think it's sad but hilarious because the fact is guys aren't ready fo dis jelly #boom

So, if you're single and the stories themselves didn't help you feel pumped about Valentine's Day hopefully that message did. If you're single it's not because you're not a super fly fox but because the world just isn't ready "fo [yo] jelly hashtag boom."

one fabulous zebra!

My friend sent me this picture ages ago and I found it in my email today and didn't even remember her sending it to me! I love it because it is one fabulous looking zebra!

On a similar note, people often ask me why I use "zebra" on my twitter, bbm, and blog and although I think the answer is simple people are always confused by it. I will post it today and you can decide for yourself whether you get it or whether you're left more confused.

The name "zebra" comes from the saying, "If you're in Central Park and you hear hoof beats behind you do you think horse? Or zebra?" When most people are asked this question they would answer, "horse," because people spending time in Central Park are more likely to experience horses than zebras.  People don't expect zebras because naturally there are no zebras in Central Park!

When I attribute this saying to my life I think of the horses as being the people who are expected to do well, stand out, or make a difference in life. The horses are the Christina Aguileras, Ryan Goslings, and Wayne Gretzkys of the world. They are naturally talented and because of their difficult and lucky journey they ended up where they are today. They're the girl you sat next to in high school that aced every test and then went on to become doctor, the boy who sang in every talent show with his lovely voice and then became a back-up singer for JLo, and of course the girl who ate everything and was still 6 feet tall and 120lbs so she went on to become a model. Anyways, the horses are the people who become whatever it is society expects them to become. The zebras, conversely, are the people who become something that society never expected them to become. The zebras are the people like Steve Nash, Susan Boyle, and Rebel Wilson. They had a more difficult time getting to where they are but the journey marked unexpected stripes made them a little bit more fabulous.

Therefore, people may not always expect to see great things coming from my direction but when they hear hoof beats behind them and expect to see a horse they will be quite confused when they turn around and see me: a zebra.

#ResolutionTweetMe

It's a rough day boys and girls. As most of you know, one of my biggest New Years Resolutions this year is to have Mindy Kaling (from "The Office" and "Mindy Project") to tweet me. I would say the resolution is not going well. I have tweeted her every single day this year, except for this past Saturday which I somehow missed, and she has yet to acknowledge my existence! Then, this morning I went on twitter and found this...

That's right! Mindy tweeted 11 of her followers over the past hour and guess who was in a meeting so they missed it: if it wasn't already obvious -- me. This is one of the first times I've actually seen Mindy tweet people that aren't her famous friends and I missed it by twenty minutes. I ended up tweeting her anyways just in case saying "@mindykaling Beyonce? You guys would make a killer duet #ResolutionTweetMe". But have yet to hear a reply. Please pray for me. 

Near the End of the Road

If you haven't heard. I am currently no longer in need of treatment. 

AKA cancer-free

AKA in remission

AKA in no-longer need of blood thinners

AKA ready to win the camp run... almost

I was scheduled to have radiation today at 12:40pm and for the past couple of days I had been waiting for my radiation oncologist to call me and confirm whether or not I would need to keep the appointment today. Yesterday I was fed up that I hadn't heard anything back yet so I tried to call my doctor at mid-day to get the results but even though I called and left a message she didn't get back to me before finishing up her work day. At this point I began to wonder whether or not I would actually have to go through with radiation. The doctors had already prepped me for it and even gave me three ity-bity tattoos to mark the places where they would be giving me radiation for twenty days; but I held onto the idea that I still wouldn't need radiation. Really, I had been going through a 'healthy denial' for the past few days, but last night in the middle of the night I woke up in the sort of way where you know that no matter what you do you won't fall asleep for a while. 

In the midst of my insomnia (and because of my New Years Resolution to write 250 words/day) I wrote this:

I still don’t know if I have to go to radiation today or not. It’s 5:45am and I obviously woke up in the middle of the night and am now typing away at my computer. I called my radiation oncologist yesterday to get the results from my PET scan but she never ended up calling me back. As time goes by I am beginning to assume this means I will need radiation but I’m still clinging to a hope that the reason why she hasn’t called back is because no news is good news. I keep jumping back and forth between the ideas that I either won’t need radiation or the possibility that I will need it. It’s all quite confusing and every few minutes I lean towards one more than the other, then a thought will pop into my head and it’s like a see-saw going off in my mind where I will completely change my perspective and be certain I either will or won’t need the treatment.
Regardless of whether I need the treatment or not, I want to find God’s joy in the situation. I want to be at peace with all of it and know that my life is in God’s hands and He has a plan for all of the things of my life. I don’t know how to make sure that I will stay committed to this hope once I find out the results of my scan so I’m going to declare right now that in the midst of confusion and complication I worship God, I praise God, I love God, I trust God, and I’m continually choosing to pick up my cross and follow Him – wherever He may lead me. 

Exactly three hours later my radiation oncologist called me to tell me that the PET scan I had just gotten was exactly the same as the scan before it. I still had a small mass in my chest and it still lit up in the same area (meaning cancerous cells). However, although the cells lit up the  mass didn't get any bigger than the last time I had a PET scan (which would have been a big hint that they were cancerous cells). She then went on to tell me that she consulted with other oncologists and together they decided that I didn't need to have radiation and they believed I was better. They couldn't explain the lit up mass but they were almost certain it wasn't cancerous. She then congratulated me and told me that they were still going to, "keep a close eye" on me just to make sure that nothing changed. I was quite a bit in shock. Hours later I'm still in shock. It still hasn't sunk in that I don't have to identify myself with cancer anymore, that I don't have to take blood-thinners anymore, that I don't have to stay away from antioxidant foods anymore. It all seems surreal and although I'm excited, I'm not sure how long it will take for the reality of it to sink in. 

On a different note, I want to make it clear that I know that my actions last night didn't change the result of my PET scan. However, I don't think it's a coincidence that I didn't find out the results until after I had made my commitment to God clear to myself once again. I think God didn't want me to find out the results until I dealt with the few things I had to deal with; and when I didn't deal with them before I went to bed He forced me to deal with them after I had gone to bed. It's really not worth being stubborn with God -- He is notorious for thwarting our small plans for his great ones. At the time, He still had a work to be done and I believe He will always have a work to be done. 

Finally, I have been waiting to proclaim this verse since August 21st when I first wrote it on my blog. Today is the day when I finally get to write it with an authority and authenticity that I hoped to proclaim it with six months ago.  

"May we shout for joy over your victory 
and lift up our banners in the name of our God. 
May the Lord grant all your requests. 
Now this I know: 
The Lord gives victory to his anointed. 
He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary 
with the victorious power of his right hand."
~Psalm 20:5-6 (italics added)

PET scan #3: the trip where everything went wrong

The title of this blog is a little bit of a giveaway but in all honesty I didn't notice how wrong everything went on the trip until after I got home so it's not that bad of a story.

Before the trip even started we had gotten a form from my doctor where we could call into a government phone-line and get a travel-assistance code so that we could get the ferry paid for due to my inability to have the PET scan on the island -because their is none on the island. Anyhoo, every time I called last week I would touch-phone in all the information on the form and then every single time I called the recorded operator would say, "Your form could not be processed at this time, if you are travelling today please stay on the line to talk to a representative, otherwise please try again later." Every time this happened I grumbled a little bit after the third day and then hung up and proceeded to "try again later." However, on Sunday when we were leaving I stayed on the line because I was finally "travelling today" and instead of talking to a representative I got another recorded operator message saying, "Our office hours are Monday to Friday, 8am-4:30pm please call back during these times to talk to one of our representatives." That was a frustrating moment.

Then came the time when we finally had to leave for the ferries. I was a little upset because we left at 6pm and I knew I would be missing the baptismal services at Adore that night. We then got to the ferries at around 6:30 (when Adore was starting) and the 7pm ferry was full so we ended up having to wait for the 9pm ferry. This was strike two. I then realized I could have made Adore if we had just planned to take the 9pm ferry in the first place. Strike three.

Regardless of our late start, we finally got to our hotel at 11:15 at night -- which was in the sketchy part of downtown Vancouver to say the least. However, I didn't really mind how sketchy the neighbourhood was because I was so tired I just wanted to go to bed. We got to our room and of course it was directly on top of the karaoke bar that closed at 2am, "That's okay" I thought to myself, "I'm a heavy sleeper, once I fall asleep I doubt it will be able to wake me up." My mother and I then decided we should watch television until we got sleepy so we turned it on and couldn't figure out how to find the TV schedule (we realized the following morning it was printed on laminated piece of paper on the bedside table) so we just decided to watch a channel at random. The show we ended up watching was probably the most haunting thing I've ever seen. I've had my share of scary movies but I don't think I've ever been so freaked out about watching anything in my whole life. The TV show was about young, healthy girls who traveled to parts of South East Asia and randomly got sick one night, went to their hotel rooms, and then died! Some were discovered to be due to pesticides used in the room but others' had results that were never disclosed by the country because they didn't want to scare off tourists. After watching this show I then thought to myself, "Yeah, I'm not sleeping tonight..." which I didn't.

The next day ended up being a little bit better. I woke up, got dressed, and realized I didn't bring my cardigan with me. The only real thing that ended up going wrong on Monday was that my PET scan was suppose to be at 1:15 but the technicians were running late so I actually ended up getting into my scan at 2:15 and got out at around 3:15. This doesn't seem like a big deal but because it ran late I didn't have enough time to make it to the 5pm ferry in time to make it for the Adore team night that was happening that night. So, apart from missing Adore, I ended up missing team night too.

So, there you have it. My trip where almost everything went wrong. On the plus side when I forgot my cardigan I then went to H&M and bought myself a new cardigan which I really enjoy. So, overall it was a pretty good trip.

Paulo Coelho

How true is that! I know I've had times in my life when it seemed as though nothing was happening and I was just waiting to be called to something huge or asked to do something great and of course nothing continued to happen. Eventually I slowly began getting involved in small things that later evolved into bigger things but there have been seasons in my life where I felt like nothing was really happening and like life was moving slowly.

Then there have been the times when everything happens all at once. I remember in February of 2011 I signed up my to organize and write up blurbs on the breakout sessions for our girl's conference, Illuminate. I was still in school at the time and I remember working on a small assignment, a large paper, and having to study for a midterm while also trying to figure out the breakout session speakers and their topics. All of that was doable but three days before my paper was due and the day before I needed to give Laura the write-ups my computer crashed. Talk about everything happening at once. Needless to say I cried at the computer help desk so they would fix it for me right away (instead of making me wait till the end of the weekend) and everything worked out in the end but I definitely felt like my will was tested in those few days and short moments.

Masterpiece.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

Psalm 139:13-14

There's a beauty in the knowledge that God knit each of us together before we were born or even took our first breath. Our mothers didn't have any say in what we would physically look like before we were born but it's pretty incredible to realize that God did. God knew what He was putting into us while we were developing in our mother's tummy and He knew what He was leaving out. He also purposefully planned things to shape us into and to not shape us into. And although there is an average for what a person can be in shape, size, height, weight, intelligence, skin colour, and physical ability God doesn’t see people as above, below, or even at the average. I believe God sees everyone of His children as perfect works of art. As beautiful masterpieces.

Genesis talks about how God created the heavens and earth, light, plants and vegetation, animals, and finally mankind (Genesis 1). God saw all that He made and stepped back and stated that all of it was good (Genesis 1:31). The author of Psalm 139 then goes on to reiterate this by telling God that all of His works are indeed “wonderful” (vs.14). Although you may have never thought about it or considered it before when we look at the world around us and see the storms, the sunsets, the trees and ocean, the mountainside and the cute fuzzy animals that fill our world and our hearts we often find ourselves amazed at the beautiful landscape that we’ve been placed in (I think every person has experienced this regardless of their belief in God).

However, even though we're told that God’s works are wonderful we still look at the ocean and call it fat, look at the mountains and tell them they’re too tall to wear heels, and look at the aurora borealis and tell them that they need to go work on their tan. Wait a second… no... that’s not right… we would never do that… because that would be ridiculous! In the same breath, if we would never do that with all of God’s other creations, that are good and wonderfully made, then why do we continue to do this with ourselves?

We are fearfully and wonderfully made (how many times should I say it so that it sticks). We are wonderfully made because God created each individual magnificently, superbly, amazingly, and brilliantly. We are fearfully made because God created each of us with deep admiration and reverence in His heart. Regardless of how you may feel about yourself today take a look at the world around you and when you find one thing (no matter how big or how small) that is beautiful know in your heart that when God looks at you He sees you as infinitely more beautiful. You are a gem and a beauty that is independent of what anyone (including yourself) may have ever labeled or believed you to be. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 

You are a priceless,

cherished,

precious,

valued,

treasured,

irreplaceable

masterpiece. 

Check this out! By Yemisi & Natasha!

Last Saturday was my birthday and all of my friends were so wonderful and showered me with so many gifts (regardless of how much I insisted that their friendship was the best gift I could ever receive -- cheesy I know). However, Yemisi and Natasha are so talented and amazing and made me a beautiful gift that I wanted to share with the entire world! So, here you are world, a spoken word by what I believe to be the next big rapper and next big producer!!



I know amazing!! Also, I'm pretty impressed with myself at this moment because I just figured out how to put a youtube video on my blog... but it's still not as impressive as this video!

Courage

At the beginning of last year I was talking to my lovely friend Laura who inspired me to pray for a single word from God for the year (you can also read about Laura's single word and her life on her blog HERE). While I prayed for a word for a few days finally the word courage came to my heart. Of course I immediately assumed this meant courage for my university ministry, schooling, and youth work. Little did I know there was a journey ahead of me that would require a courage I never believed I had or would need. Yet, sometimes God begins to equip us before we even know what we're being equipped for. 

A little while after receiving the word "courage" I went to morning church, which I hardly ever had time for at that point in my life, and Pastor Ron's sermon was tilted "Courage" (hmmm... interesting). Isn't it funny how God works in our lives in the most mysterious and wonderful ways? I don't remember a lot of what Pastor Ron said that morning, although I know I have the notes on my phone somewhere, but I do remember him saying that "courage isn't the absence of fear but it's acknowledging the fact that you have fears and doing the things that scare you anyway" (paraphrased). I'm even going to go further and make it clear that if we weren't afraid of anything there would be no need for courage. The very definition of courage is doing something you're afraid of; you can't have courage without first having fear.

On another note, fear has always been my biggest downfall in my faith. Some people's biggest downfall is their pride, others their doubt, and yet others their jealousy, bitterness, or anger, and although I fall to all of these traits at some point and time, fear has always disabilitated me in a way that the others don't. It's incredibly ridiculous because sometimes it's the fear is of failure that causes me to pull away from doing something I'm meant to do but other times it's the fear is of success that causes me to shrink down and feel insecure. In reality I think most of our fears come from a warped idea of both failure and success. Failure because when the world tells us we're failures maybe we're exactly where we're meant to be in God's eyes. Success because although we may have the best grade or largest group it's possible that we have no idea how to apply what we've learned to real life or even with a large group it's possible that we haven't touched the lives of any. 

However, uninvited fears of both success and failure followed me everywhere I went last year. They followed me as I spoke for my first time at youth, hosted my first events on the campus, held a crafternoon hub for illuminate, completed my first masters classes, took a group of girls to a conference in Vancouver (with a lot of help from the girls that attended), approached numerous people about Red Frogs, as I went into my surgery for my knee, through all of the pokes and pricks of the tests I had prior to being diagnosed with cancer, into my biopsy surgery, and through six cycles of chemotherapy. Although fear followed me into each and every one of these events over the past year I ended up going through them anyway. Regardless of my fears I somehow got through each and every one of these events.

I was also forced to face the biggest fear of my life this past year and am still forced to continue facing it. It's unfortunate that I have no other option but to face it but it's also interesting that I have no other option but to have courage just by having to face it. As awful as this situation is, it has helped me to realize that sometimes courage means just getting through the day, sometimes it means just showing up, sometimes it means allowing yourself to rest, and sometimes it means allowing God to light a fire in your heart that is impossible to be ignored and unlikely to be put out.

Therefore, if there is anything I learnt about courage in this past year, it is that sometimes, with prayer, God will remove the fears from our lives and sometimes, even with lots and lots of prayer, He won't.  Yet, I don't want to disqualify myself from anything in this world or the next because I am afraid of success or because I'm afraid of failure. I don't think God intends for us to have fear ("God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline" 2 Timothy 1:7) but because we live in a fallen world I think there are a lot of things that we must bear that we were never meant to experience. 

Just like faith isn't the absence of doubt, 

love isn't the absence of heartbreak,

and joy isn't the absence of sorrow; 

courage isn't the absence of fear.

I don't have to be fearless, I just have to be courageous. 

And if you need to feel encouraged towards being courageous wherever you are today...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you notto be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

quote by Marianne Williamson

"Do not be afraid" (Genesis 43:23, 46:3; Deuteronomy 1:29; Joshua 10:25, 11:6; Judges 4:18; 1 Samuel 4:20, 12:20; 22:23, 28:13; 2 Kings 1:15, 6:16, 19:6, 25:24; 1 Chronicles 28:20; 2 Chronicles 20:15, 20:17; Nehemiah 4:14; Proverbs 3:25; Isaiah 37:6; Jeremiah 1:8, 10:5, 40:9; Matthew 28:5, 28:10; Mark 6:50; Luke 1:13, 1:30, 5:10; John 6:20, 14:27; Acts 18:9, 27:24)

"Fear not" (Genesis 15:1, 21:17, 26:24; Exodus 14:13; 1 Chronicles 22:13; Isaiah 35:4, 40:9, 41:1, 41:10, 41:13, 41:14 43:1, 43:5, 44:2, 44:8, 51:7, 54:4; Jeremiah 30:10, 46:27, 46:28; Daniel 10:12, 10:19; Joel 2:21, 2:22; Zephaniah 3:16; Haggai 2:5; Zechariah 8:13, 8:15; Matthew 10:31; Luke 2:10, 12:7, 12:32; John 12:15; Revelation 1:17)

"Do not fear" (Genesis 35:17, 50:19; Exodus 20:20; Numbers 14:9, 21:34; Deuteronomy 1:21, 3:2, 20:3, 31:6, 31:8; Joshua 8:1, 10:8; Judges 6:23; Ruth 3:11; 1 Samuel 23:17; 2 Samuel 9:7, 13:28; 1 Kings 17:13; Isaiah 7:4, 8:12; Jeremiah 42:11; Lamentations 3:57; Matthew 1:20, 10:28; Mark 5:36; Luke 8:50, 12:4; 1 Peter 3:6; Revelation 2:10)

"You [need/will] not be afraid" (Deuteronomy 18:22, 20:1; Proverbs 3:24)

"I shall not be afraid" (Psalm 56:4; 56:11)

"My heart shall not fear" (Psalm 27:3 -- this is one of my favorites)

"Therefore we will not fear" (Psalm 46:2)

"Let not your heart faint, and be not fearful" (Jeremiah 51:46)

"Fear them not" (Ezekiel 3:9)

"Have no fear of them" (Matthew 10:26)

"I shall not be afraid" (Psalm 56:4; 56:11)

"You shall not fear" (Isaiah 54:14)

Birthday Five I'm Still Alive!

It's my birthday and I can barely believe it. I remember sitting in the lobby of the tuberculosis clinic seven months ago waiting to talk to a respitologist. I don't remember the exact date (although I'm certain I could figure it out if I tried) but I remember it was a Thursday. I know it was a Thursday because the week leading up to the Thursday I had an x-ray and blood tests on Monday; an ECG test, more blood tests, and an appointment with my family doctor on Tuesday; an echocardiogram, muga/stress test, and more blood tests on Wednesday; and then a squeezed-in appointment with the respitologist on a Thursday before my CT scan on Friday and before his two-week vacation that started on Sunday. Obviously this was the week where my tumour was discovered, also known as hell week.  

However, the reason why my visit with the respitologist was so significant is because when I sat in his office talking to him, or maybe I should say crying to him, he told me not to worry. He was the first person to tell me that no matter what it was he believed it was treatable and although he didn't believe it was cancerous, he was sure that even if it was, it would be treatable. He then went on to ask me when my birthday was and when I told him it was January 12th he said, "okay well don't worry, you're going to make it to your next birthday!" I laughed and smiled at the time but when he said that to me I didn't really believe him. I wanted to believe him, I just didn't. Yet, here I am, celebrating my next birthday. 

Also, I didn't want to put this next picture at the top of my blog but I can't look at it and not laugh so I hope you enjoy it as much as I do :)

A Life that Glows in Darkness: Part I

Sometimes we don't know what to expect from the situations around us. We'll play scenarios again and again in our heads, maybe even with different outcomes each time. Have you ever gone to a job interview or had a talk with a friend that you didn't want to have? You run over all the possible sequence of events that could occur in your head and prepare answers or sentences for all of the potential scenarios. Yet when the real events  occur, in my life anyway, I have never once predicted the exact scenario nor anticipated the emotions that occurred during the situation. This could possibly be because I haven't been blessed with the gift of prophecy or just because it's a human trait to never fully be able to predict the behaviours and actions of the people around us; or sometimes even ourselves. 

Isaiah 58, however, tells us of all the amazing divine encounters we could experience by putting our pride aside and bringing God's goodness to earth. 

“If you get rid of unfair practices,

    quit blaming victims,
    quit gossiping about other people’s sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
    and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
    your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
    I’ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
    firm muscles, strong bones.
You’ll be like a well-watered garden,
    a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,    rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You’ll be known as those who can fix anything,
    restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
    make the community livable again."

Isaiah 58:9-12 (The Message)

This passage stands out in my mind because it talks about all the things I want in my life. I want a life that will glow in the darkness. I want to always know where to go and I want to live a life that is full. I want firm muscles, strong bones, and considering where my life is right now I want to be someone that can rebuild a foundation from out of my past. I want to take the pieces of life and faith that seem worthless to other people and build something strong and beautiful out of it. I want to be able to fix the things that are old and broken and build the things that seem impossible to create. So how do I get from here to there? How do I reach these aspirations that seem difficult and even impossible?

There are five things in this passage that are recommended to change our relationship with God and ultimately our entire lives. Three of these five things are things that we must stop doing while the other two are things we must begin to do. Because there are five things to look at in this passage I'm only going to talk about the first three recommended changes in  my post today. I will look at the other two at some point next week but I hope you can reflect on these ideas over the weekend! The three things that we must stop doing are (i) allowing unfair practices, or as the NIV calls it allowing the "yoke of oppression;" (ii) blaming, judging, and accusing those who are hurting; and (iii) gossiping. 

Although the fist three things are different requirements they all have one thing in common: they are actions that come at the expense of other people. 

The first one I wanted to talk about is gossip. It doesn't matter how often I feel entitled to tell the world of other people's faults, downfalls, or mess-ups gossip is gossip is gossip. And my definition of gossip is the removal of honour from another person. Furthermore, the secular dictionary defines gossip as "idle talk" so no matter how you put it or how you want to look at it gossip is never seen as a positive thing. It never brings honour and it never builds a person up. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 tells us that we should "encourage one another and build each other up." Therefore, gossip does the exact opposite of what we're told to do. 

Blaming, judging, and accusing, additionally, were never our job to begin with. Usually when we blame people for anything it's because something has gone wrong and we don't want to deal with the situation but would rather just cast blame on someone and hope that they would deal with it or be punished by it. By blaming and accusing people we're not focused on finding a solution but merely drawing attention to the problem. Our job is to seek after God and in doing so find answers and solutions to the problems around us (and often discover that our problems are really nothing worth writing home about anyways). Judging, furthermore, was never meant to be our responsibility but God's, our duty isn't to judge but to forgive, not to blame but to love (Luke 6:37; John 13:34). By blaming, judging, and accusing we're not being forgiving or loving we're just creating more problems. 

Lastly we come to "allowing unfair practices." This responsibility is different from the last two because it assumes that we are not the people that are creating the unfair practices we're merely the people that are allowing them to continue. It doesn't depend on our own actions like the last two but it depends on our ability to stop another person's actions. If we aren't creating social injustice but also aren't stopping it from occurring where does that put us on the "good person scale?" (this isn't a real scale and I hope you don't use this scale to measure how good you are). I don't really know how to explain this without using an example so here is an extreme example to help show what I'm trying to say. 

I go out and buy a new pair of jeans for $200. Let's make them Nudi jeans for the purpose of this story and because those are raw denim they're not suppose to get wet for one plus years. I then decide to go for a stroll in the park in my sweet new swag. While walking through the park I see a child feeding some ducks by the pond and I think to myself, "oh that's cute." A few minutes later I look at the pond and somehow the child has fallen into the water and is now trashing and splashing because he doesn't know how to swim. I look around and no one is there so of course I run and jump into the water and save the drowning child and bring him to safety. I feel pretty good about myself but in reality I would have done anything I could to stop the child from dying in front of me. 

In this story I risked losing my $200 jeans in order to save a child's life. Two-hundred dollars may seem like a lot of money for jeans but what about higher amounts of money, or possibly something more valuable than money like time or friendships? The reason why it's easy to brush off social injustice in our communities is because although we didn't start the problem the solution is always going to cost us something. Yet, I don't think there's a single person that would read this post and argue that they wouldn't jump into the pond to save the child's life. If we're all wanting and able to stop unfair practices, social injustice, and death then why aren't we doing it? In my case I find it daunting to think of all the things in Victoria that need "fixing." Yet, I remind myself that I can't do everything. If you didn't know this yet let me be the one to tell you and free you from daunting thoughts: You can't do everything. None of us can do everything. It's a little upsetting, I know. But I can do something! You can do something too! In fact, we can all do something. And a lot of somethings might one day be everything. 

I know in this verse I've stated and overstated the importance of stopping social injustice however unfair practices can come in many different forms. Think of the person who is unfairly picked on or excluded in your school. Think of the middle schooler that showed up to youth not knowing anyone. Think of the professor that the students make fun of and always choose to skip class on. Think of the dogs that need someone to walk them at the SPCA. Think of your friend who was late for class and didn't have time to stop for a coffee (okay this one is a stretch but it would still be a nice gesture and I've appreciated it almost to the point of tears in the past). These battles may seem so small they don't even seem worth fighting but when we show God obedience in the small things we make ourselves available to the big things. These may seem as though they're nothing but in reality they are always worth something.   

That's what you get for today. Stop gossip, because it removes honour and tears people down instead of building them up. Stop blaming, because it doesn't create a solution it merely draws attention to a problem. And find a way to stop unfair practices because you are wanting and able to do something (not everything, but something). Hope you have a lovely weekend!