If you haven't heard. I am currently no longer in need of treatment.
AKA cancer-free
AKA in remission
AKA in no-longer need of blood thinners
AKA ready to win the camp run... almost
I was scheduled to have radiation today at 12:40pm and for the past couple of days I had been waiting for my radiation oncologist to call me and confirm whether or not I would need to keep the appointment today. Yesterday I was fed up that I hadn't heard anything back yet so I tried to call my doctor at mid-day to get the results but even though I called and left a message she didn't get back to me before finishing up her work day. At this point I began to wonder whether or not I would actually have to go through with radiation. The doctors had already prepped me for it and even gave me three ity-bity tattoos to mark the places where they would be giving me radiation for twenty days; but I held onto the idea that I still wouldn't need radiation. Really, I had been going through a 'healthy denial' for the past few days, but last night in the middle of the night I woke up in the sort of way where you know that no matter what you do you won't fall asleep for a while.
In the midst of my insomnia (and because of my New Years Resolution to write 250 words/day) I wrote this:
I still don’t know if I have to go to radiation today or not. It’s 5:45am and I obviously woke up in the middle of the night and am now typing away at my computer. I called my radiation oncologist yesterday to get the results from my PET scan but she never ended up calling me back. As time goes by I am beginning to assume this means I will need radiation but I’m still clinging to a hope that the reason why she hasn’t called back is because no news is good news. I keep jumping back and forth between the ideas that I either won’t need radiation or the possibility that I will need it. It’s all quite confusing and every few minutes I lean towards one more than the other, then a thought will pop into my head and it’s like a see-saw going off in my mind where I will completely change my perspective and be certain I either will or won’t need the treatment.
Regardless of whether I need the treatment or not, I want to find God’s joy in the situation. I want to be at peace with all of it and know that my life is in God’s hands and He has a plan for all of the things of my life. I don’t know how to make sure that I will stay committed to this hope once I find out the results of my scan so I’m going to declare right now that in the midst of confusion and complication I worship God, I praise God, I love God, I trust God, and I’m continually choosing to pick up my cross and follow Him – wherever He may lead me.
Exactly three hours later my radiation oncologist called me to tell me that the PET scan I had just gotten was exactly the same as the scan before it. I still had a small mass in my chest and it still lit up in the same area (meaning cancerous cells). However, although the cells lit up the mass didn't get any bigger than the last time I had a PET scan (which would have been a big hint that they were cancerous cells). She then went on to tell me that she consulted with other oncologists and together they decided that I didn't need to have radiation and they believed I was better. They couldn't explain the lit up mass but they were almost certain it wasn't cancerous. She then congratulated me and told me that they were still going to, "keep a close eye" on me just to make sure that nothing changed. I was quite a bit in shock. Hours later I'm still in shock. It still hasn't sunk in that I don't have to identify myself with cancer anymore, that I don't have to take blood-thinners anymore, that I don't have to stay away from antioxidant foods anymore. It all seems surreal and although I'm excited, I'm not sure how long it will take for the reality of it to sink in.
On a different note, I want to make it clear that I know that my actions last night didn't change the result of my PET scan. However, I don't think it's a coincidence that I didn't find out the results until after I had made my commitment to God clear to myself once again. I think God didn't want me to find out the results until I dealt with the few things I had to deal with; and when I didn't deal with them before I went to bed He forced me to deal with them after I had gone to bed. It's really not worth being stubborn with God -- He is notorious for thwarting our small plans for his great ones. At the time, He still had a work to be done and I believe He will always have a work to be done.
Finally, I have been waiting to proclaim this verse since August 21st when I first wrote it on my blog. Today is the day when I finally get to write it with an authority and authenticity that I hoped to proclaim it with six months ago.
"May we shout for joy over your victory
and lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the Lord grant all your requests.
Now this I know:
The Lord gives victory to his anointed.
He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary
with the victorious power of his right hand."
~Psalm 20:5-6 (italics added)
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