I got the results for my PET scan on Thursday and it's normal! I don't really know what that means but I'm glad that I no longer have to stress out about whether or not my treatment is working because I have now been assured that it is! There are still other things I sometimes worry about like whether or not I'll have to have more chemo after my 6 cycles, whether or not I'll have to have radiation, whether or not my cancer will come back while I'm remission... etc. etc. etc. I feel so silly worrying about all of these things because worrying won't help change the outcome of the situation but somehow these worries still creep up on me. There actually isn't a whole lot I can do to change the situation except (i) pray (ii) stay positive and (iii) keep fighting.
Anyhoo -- when I went to my oncologist appointment on Thursday, one encouraging thing he said to me was that I "didn't even look sick", I told him it was because of the make-up but he laughed and replied, "as doctors, we're trained to see passed that". To be frank, I feel sick -- not sick in the nausea, flu, yucky sense but in the weak, utterly human sense. After I got home from my appointment all I could think about was 2 Corinthians 12, when God speaks to Paul and tells him, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (vs.9). Paul was such a devoted servant that his reply was to boast in his weaknesses, allowing Christ's power to rest on him and further saying that he would "delight in weakness, in insults in hardships, in persecutions, [and] in difficulties. For when [he was] weak, then [he would be] strong"(vs.9-10). I wish I could be as easily devoted as Paul, he makes following Christ look so incredibly easy. Somedays it seems easy to chase after God and others it doesn't so much. I also find it really difficult to delight in weakness, hardship, persecution, and difficulties, because all those things are quite awful to begin with. Still, I find it interesting that when I finally admitted to God that I was weak, he began to bless me with his strength. I don't think this was the type of situation where he said "okay, if A happens and you do B then the outcome will be C" I just truthfully believe that once I came to the realization that I was weak and running on empty he was finally able to bless me with His strength because my pride was no longer in the way of his blessings. I don't exactly know when the 180 happened but over the past few weeks people have increasingly told me I'm "looking a lot better", I "have fire in my eyes again", or I'm "back"(sidenote: don't ever tell a sick person "you don't even look sick!" it's not a compliment you just sound stupid). Although I've appreciated all the compliments, I can't take credit for them. I haven't done anything different except admit to God my weaknesses and ask him to reveal his strength in me.
I didn't even realize that anything was changing in my life until the people around me started commenting to me. It would be easy to pretend that I've found some amazing inner strength and it's helping me get through this rough time but it would be a lie. God has provided me with his strength, and I believe is in the process of showing His glory, and the funny thing is I didn't even notice it. However, in retrospect, it's easy to see that God's strength is what sometimes drags us through (and yes I mean drag; not carry, walk with, or guide but drag... because sometimes we have journeys we refuse to go through easily).
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