The truth about girls & lust.

Lately, in my life, I've had the common theme of talking to both boys and girls who are struggling with relationships. I don't know why I keep having these conversations but they keep coming up. Furthermore, I always hear that "boys struggle with lust more than girls do." For years I've wondered why this statement frustrates me so much and I think I've finally figured out why it bothers me so much: it's a lie. So here I am, bearing my heart and telling the world the truth about girls and lust. Why am I telling our secrets to the world? Because I believe that we have to be honest with boys (in order to help them realize that we too are human) and honest with ourselves (in order to bring healing). So here it is, the truth.

“I had not yet fallen in love, but I was in love with the idea of it… 

To love and to have my love returned was my heart’s desire.” 

-St. Augustine

Augustine is a beautifully honest writer. I especially love this quote of his because he's honest with the fact that he was trying to find a permanent earthly joy by falling in love with someone. As a girl in our society, I can't help but understand how Augustine felt when I read over these words. I have also never been in love but the experiences that have surrounded my life have caused me to believe that fulfillment comes from falling in love with another person. When I was a child I grew up watching Disney movies, which overstate that life’s joy is complete when a normal girl becomes a princess by finding her one true love or prince. When I was a teenager I was bombarded with magazine articles, television shows, and product advertisements that told me that if I wore the right clothes, looked the right way, and submitted the right amount, then the right boys would like me and I would be happy. As a young adult it seems as though the importance of life is in falling in love and getting married rather than any of the other things life has to offer. I am not against marriage or falling in love, however, when I become obsessed with the idea of it I realize that being in love is just another thing I idealize because I don’t have it. I turn to the idea of being in love and being married because it is easier for me to turn my attention to an earthly delusion than to a God who has something more fulfilling, yet more frightening, to attain. Furthermore, the more I focus on my ideas of being in love the less appealing God’s love seems, not because his love becomes any less appealing in reality, or even comparable to human love, but because the further I pull away from his perfect love the more mistaken my idea of it becomes. It’s not because God’s love becomes different that we begin to crave the things of the earth but because we have fooled ourselves into believing this world has something gratifying to offer us rather than realizing the truth that only God himself can complete whole-ness within us.

Now for some further truths about girls. I believe girls are too often accredited with being less tempted by lust than boys. I don’t mean to criticize males or females, I merely believe that females have different motives for pursuing relationships than males do. While males struggle with a physical lust, women struggle with an emotional lust. We fixate on the idea of being affectionately understood. Boys and girls, therefore, are not far off from each other. Yet, boys are often seen as lust-filled boys while girls get away with their lust because it’s just consistent of feelings and therefore doesn’t have any tangible evidence. Regardless of how it is argued, it remains difficult to overcome the truth that the majority of us have struggled with lustful delusions and love idealizations, giving us the belief that all we need is to be in love. I don’t think boys are more lustful than girls or vice-versa, it’s just a different kind of lust.

Girls, we have to help our brothers out. We're told time and time again that we shouldn't exploit or show off our bodies to the world because it's hard for boys to look at girls and not objectify them. I obviously don't understand how this works because I'm not a boy but I trust that they're being honest about it so let's think twice about our outfits before we walk out the door to strut our stuff. (note: I'm not saying you should wear a parka 24/7 I'm just saying I want to see two cheeks on you, not four). 

Boys, you have to help us out too. If you don't like us and have no intention of ever dating us please stop leading us on. We are emotional beings that idealize everything. If you don't like a girl then stop texting her, calling her for life advice, asking her to coffee, calling her "so awesome" or a "gem" or a "beauty" or any other out-of-your-way compliment. (note: I'm not saying you need to wear a muzzle I'm just saying stop leading us on).  

We don't have to be slaves of either emotional or physical lust. When we accept our weaknesses and rely on God's strength our struggles with lust and love will be changed to a complete reliance on God’s strength. Furthermore, Jesus can redeem us from the things of this world and even free us from them. However, we have to start being able to talk about these things freely. People hardly ever talk about lust and are slow to admit their personal struggles with it, but I honestly believe that many people struggle with physical or emotional lust. However, by bringing light to our weaknesses, relying on God, and helping each other out together we can overcome these struggles and move onto bigger and better things.